The One

I didn’t realize how socially awkward I was until we moved and I had to start trying to make new friends. Every little human interaction has me thinking, “Is this the one? Is this my new BFF?” Of course, that’s crazy. There’s no way I’ve met The One because I haven’t met Taylor Swift yet. But here are some other losers I’ve met. I’m going to keep this kind of vague just in case one of them turns out to be The One. (Hey, you never know!)

The One Who Ate Hot Chicken

It’s funny that I called these people losers because A) I was, of course, joking, and B) I actually met this gal in a bar called Losers. I was washing my hands in the restroom when she came barreling in and posted up at the sink next to me. She looked at me, and then we had this exchange:

Her: Gotta wash my hands before I pee because I just ate a bunch of hot chicken.
Me, a girl who doesn’t eat chicken: OMG, where did you go? I have been looking for a great new hot chicken spot!

Unfortunately, later in the night, I noticed a “Let’s Go Brandon” hat amongst her friend group and promptly decided that if those are her people, she’s definitely not my people.

The One I Worked Out With

I cannot adequately express how much I HATE partner workouts. I hate them with an absolute passion because they do exactly what they’re designed to do: Make you exercise harder. You can imagine the rollercoaster of emotions that ensued the first time I walked into my new gym here in Nashville and saw “PARTNER WORKOUT” on the board.

It went something like: Dang it. I hate partner workouts. Wait a minute. I don’t have a partner. Who am I going to partner with? I am going to be the loser who doesn’t have a partner after everyone pairs up! Maybe I should just leave right now.

And then there was absolute joy when the trainer said that the partner workout was just a suggestion, and we were welcome to do the workout on our own if we didn’t want to partner up with someone. So that was my plan, until this sweet girl came up to me and said, “Will you be my partner?” I was elated! Me! She picked me!

It was great working out with her, and it did push me to work harder. But then I never saw her again. Turns out, she lives in the Gulch and just came to the Germantown location because the class was discounted that day.

The One Who Might Become a Neighbor 

I have instituted a strict supervised potty breaks only policy when it comes to Kane. Every single person who walks by our house stops and says, “Wow, he’s so beautiful!” And that is the damn truth. That is not just a mother’s impression. People are obsessed with Kane Nesius. I am just waiting for the day someone tries to nab him. Not on my watch! So I’ve decided he can’t be outside unaccompanied.

Side story: While I’ve been hyper vigilant watching our dog in our own front yard, Sean got all loosey goosey with him during daycare drop-off the other day. I usually take Kane to and from daycare since I’m unemployed have a more flexible schedule, but I had a job interview at 8am, so I asked Sean to take him instead. When he got home, I said, “How was he? Did he pee on everything as soon as you walked in?” And Sean said, “I actually didn’t even go inside. Some lady in the parking lot offered to walk him in.” He paused and then said, “Huh. I hope she actually worked there. I probably should have checked.” I tried calling them three times that morning, and they didn’t pick up. But luckily, Kane was there when I went to get him, so either the lady Sean so recklessly handed him over to does in fact work there, or she was a dognapper who quickly realized Kane has a lot of energy and returned him.

Anyway, I’m sitting there standing guard in my Gator sweatshirt and fuzzy socks when a girl starts walking toward our yard. I pulled out my gun and yelled, “YOU CAN’T HAVE MY DOG!” (Just kidding.) She said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but—wait, did you go to Florida? I’m a Gator too!” And then when I apologized for Kane barking at her incessantly, she said, “It’s ok. I have a dog too. I love dogs.” As it turns out, she and her friend were checking out the house across the street from us that’s available for rent. She wanted my opinion on the neighborhood and whether it was a safe place to live. I told her that yes, it’s a great place to live (other than NYE), and that she should move here and we can watch all the Gator games together and become best friends and so can our dogs.

The house still sits vacant.

The One Who Kind of Stalked Sean

Sean came home from the gym recently and said, “There was a new girl in class today, and she just moved here too.” I told him to lay on the charm and become her friend so that she can then become my friend, and we can all be friends together. And then shortly after, he said, “Huh. She just followed me on Instagram. How did she find me? I didn't even tell her my full name.” And then after looking at her photos, he said, “She has a boyfriend! I could finally have a guy friend here!” I’ve been pumping him up each day before he leaves for the gym trying to get him to land the Couple Friends plane. We’ll see if he’s able to bring it home.

She probably thinks we’re swingers.